Honestly: A Struggle

I feel compelled to write.  It’s ten of three in the morning.  I’m not one to talk about these kinds of things to people (usually talk only to the Lord ’bout ’em), especially in a public forum like this, but I feel like I’m supposed to; here goes!  After months, and now I’m realizing years, of experiencing symptoms and a month of casual researching, I have come to a pretty solid conclusion that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or Diabetes I in this body the Lord gave me. Right now, I honestly feel like death warmed over.  I don’t feel quite so bad (henced the ‘warmed over’) since I ate some Craisins a moment ago, but I still don’t feel like a healthy 29-year-old man ought to feel; this much I know!

The Holy Spirit is prompting me to write this.  I know from Him, contrary to what certain supposed members of the body of Christ might say, much like those poor comforters of Job before them accused, that this illness that’s in my body right now is NOT a punishment for sin.  When I sin, I repent: fully and immediately.  I’m all repented up, I can assure you.  My God, my loving Father, has allowed this affliciton to wreak its relative havoc upon me for some time now, and I don’t see it relenting.  It renders me unable to sleep at night, leaving me pretty fatigued during the days.  This fatigue causes a physical weakness, a lack of mental focus and sharpness, a lack of acuity in recall, and it affects most if not every area of my life.

I realize now, looking back, that I experienced the beginnings of this way back in 2005!  While working at the Rescue Mission I encountered bouts of tiredness.  At this point in my life, however, I worked the third shift, so I attributed my almost constant tiredness to that.  I took up running in hopes that it would give me more energy.  I was also seeking to see if I could get my body to be within the BMI guidelines for my height. In my earnest attempt, I found that I would plateau and that the only way I could (seemingly) break the plateau was by employing unhealthy means.  I would run between 3 and 6 days a week and I would eat as little as 1,000 calories per day.  Anyway, I remember having momentary, one-day-at-most bouts of extreme fatigue at this time, but nothing serious. Over the years, though, it has steadily increased.

This most recent season of my life has been close to intolerable at points, what with being unable to sleep, unable to work as hard or for as long as I’d like to, and having to plan my schedule around the constant question, “Lord, will I have enough energy to do THAT?  Lord, will you provide me with the special grace so that I’ll be able to do this task and do it well, as unto you?”  Even social outings have to be planned around, “Lord, will you allow me to stay ‘with it’ during this social event? Can I be fully present here? Will going to this utterly wipe me out for the next day or two?”  Although I can TOTALLY see a positive side to this, in that my present health situation FORCES me to be utterly dependent on the Lord in a whole ‘nother way / at a whole ‘nother level, I must also be honest about how I feel as well.

I praise the Lord in the midst of all my outwardly dire circumstance, knowing that He is truly in control of everything that happens in the most overarching way possible, yet I must also be honest with how I am feeling too: pretty darn crappy!   This illness makes me feel like less than a man.  In the recesses of my mind, I fear that I will be unable to have a family one day, that I wouldn’t have enough physical wherewithal to care for an infant, nevermind multiple children at once.  And the crazy thing is I REALLY LOVE CHILDREN!  I still have a child’s sense of wonder, loving to play and to look upon life with fresh eyes as often as I possibly can. Seems like a cruel irony in a way.  Yet I will praise the Lord because I know He has a great plan for my life: a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, as it says in His Word.

I know that reading this, some might think that I’m ‘double-minded’ or ‘back-and-forth’ about my faith, yet I must say that I have never been more resolute about my faith in the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as I am right now.  More than ever, I seek to serve Him with every ounce of strength I have, even if it be far less than I used to know or than I see at work in the lives of others.  Sometimes, in comparison to how healthy I once felt, it feels like I’m dying.  I realized tonight, just moments ago, in these wee hours of the morning, that EVEN THIS is another possiblity for the greater glory of God.  If I feel like I’m dying, or if I am actually dying, would this not be the greatest impetus to share the good news that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ with as many as I can before I pass on?  Each painful step on my path can serve as a reminder that this life withers like grass, and that the human life is but a hand’s breadth in the expanse of eternity.  May I use it well.  May any suffering, pain, affliction, persecution, trial, tribulation, testing, sorrow, joy, rejoicing, reward, humbling, or wrath that I incur only serve to make the person of Jesus Christ more famous on this earth.  Selah. . .

In His Name,


10 thoughts on “Honestly: A Struggle

  1. I don’t even think I have the right words to truly articulate how powerful your post is.

    I see NO wavering in your faith…just a faithful MAN…and oh yes, you are fully man. No illness, sickness, lockness monster can change that. Cause isn’t that part of who Jesus was? Wasn’t he honest with God up to and through the cross? He said that anything we go through, he’s gone through so he can identify with it…and we can identify with him. And that, to me, spells peace.

    I’m praying for your health and strength…and more importantly, for rest and peace.

    • Thank you SO much for your comment. I know from reading your blog for a little while now, and even from the title of it, ha, that you’re a straight-shootin’ sister in the Lord and I truly appreciate your words of great encouragement here. Thank you for offering to pray for me and reminding me about my identity in Him. Always great to hear His words!

      Thanks for Being an All-Around Swell Sister,

  2. All you have to do is to just change a little bit of the way of thinking related to diabetes. I know that this disease is not curable till now but its not mostly vital, but in some cases it is. You should search for a natural cure for diabetes.
    In the mean time you can check out my blog thats related to health and fitness
    I hope that the information i have provided there would be benefitial for you.

    • Not sure if it’s diabetes, and that one seems low on the list of likely suspects for me, BUT I will DEFINITELY keep your words in mind. Thanks for taking the time to both read and comment. Much Love in Christ to you, good sir!

  3. You said, “casual research”. Before rushing to conclusions I would respectfully suggest that you have some simple and inexpensive tests done by a trusted physician regarding your symptoms. You may discover that you don’t have Diabetes, or that your physical trial is not as severe as you may believe! No matter the outcome, God is fully in control and will NEVER allow you to face a test that you cannot handle through His Word and by His power. If you couldn’t face it, He would not allow it! Lord Bless……

    • Amen on not being tested above what I’m able to handle. Definitely know that’s true in my life. I have an MD appt. on Monday and want to have him check everything that he can. I hope that it’s not severe, but the symptoms have increased a lot, and have been pretty heavy for the past month to two months, so just bein’ real with what’s goin’ on. Thank you for brotherly concern and I believe I put in the phrase as ‘probable solutions’ or something to that effect – gonna let the doctor do the diagnosing, just sayin what I found! Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂

  4. Hey Seanway, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling. I’ve been dealing with something very similar and would like to give you some ideas I’ve come across while researching my own health. 1) go to your doctor. That’s the first place to start with any ailment that hinders your life. To be diagnosed with CFS, all other things (anemia etc.) need to be excluded. Have you ever had mononucleosis? Have your dr test you for Epstein Barr virus. It’s the virus you always have if you’ve ever had mono. It attacks esp if you are over tired or stressed. 2) Start a vitamin regiment. Get a good men’s multi and also a vitamin B complex. Coenzyme Q10 and alpha lipoic acid also promote cellular energy. 3) food. When you eat too few calories your body goes into “starvation mode” and holds onto ever calorie you eat. Your metabolism can slow as much as 40-50 percent because it wants to make sure it has enough calories to maintain your basic motor function. The MEVY diet sounds like it’s bad news in shoes, love, unless being done for specific reasons. Carbs are not an enemy, but only 100% whole weat or whole grain. These take longer to digest and make you feel fuller longer. Eating anything “white” bread, rice, potatos converts directly to sugar and make u feel hungrier than when you started eating. Also make sure you’re incorporating fiber-rich fruits and veggies. Berries, broccoli, spinach are the best things you can eat for health and energy. Also make sure you’re drinking plenty of water. If it’s cold, it will speed your metabolism. That’s all I can think of love, though I’m sure I will think of more. If you have anything you want to ask me, please do I consider myself an ameture expert 🙂

    • Wow. What a treasure trove of information here! Thanks so much for sharing these things with me. You’ll be happy to know that I have not been following the MEVY diet extremely strictly. I knew that I just didn’t feel right not taking in sugar. So today, I ate an entire bag of M & M’s… NOT!! OK, seriously, I did eat some fruit 🙂 I’ll definitely keep your words in mind when I head to the Doc’s tomorrow and I totally appreciate the timing on this post (THANK YOU JESUS!), as it will be freshest in my mind when I head in for my general physical exam tomorrie. I know I sound repetetive, but THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! You’ve always been a good friend to me, I hope you feel similarly about me. Let me take this moment to apologize if I’ve ever done anything bad to ya, knowingly or unknowingly. Please let me know via e-mail if there’s anything I need to work on! God Bless and may your maladies be healed sooner than later, or, at the very least (and most important IMO) bring you closer to Jesus!

  5. youuu are incredible and strong and SO FAITHFUL. i love it =) it is wonderful that you are praising the Father through all of this. Your outlook on life is great. You are so right… even through all of this, God can be all the more praised and glorified. Praying for you!!

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